Self Portrait 1. - Still I'd Like To Live

Self Portrait 1. - Still I'd Like To Live

** But for the patients who have to fight against disease throughout their life times, they should know that the spirit, 'I'll survive to the very end' is the best and the final weapon, rather than one or two modes or personal know-hows.

According to how to use this weapon, success or failure of one's struggle against illness is decided. In this sense, we should know that the spirit above refers more strongly to 'hard-striving spirit,' 'serene attitude,' 'the historical view that I must live without dying,' rather than the modes how I can see the effect right at the moment.

Even if all kinds of patients, who confront a long term struggle against disease, might hang on to the struggle against the disease with their every best endeavor, yet not all of them acquire their ever desired result in their hands. Only, the strivers have more probability to get the desired result than the others.

I am also hanging on to it with my whole body and soul in order to make this probability higher.

If life gives man a result in proportion to his or her endeavors, the gloom realities of today wouldn't even have existed.

The uncertain word called 'tomorrow' demands only too much from me.

Text P.15-16

** In the situation one could go crazy out of deplorableness only with his or her ruined body, yet without blinking a eye on such mental stress of the patient, our society treats them by taking their words, 'I am seriously ill' as if 'I am a sinner.' This holds true like common sense in our society.

As these unreasonable pieces of judging are accepted generally in the society, so sufferer's bitterness builds up out of crumpled pride socially and economically only by reason of 'he or she is disease-stricken in the body.' In that situation, even between spouses there are only too many cases of living with bloody bruises in the bosom even like a drooped-down secrete 'member' of the body.

I am writing this essay in order to give the suffering readers some encouragement through the following words 'without heads down, lead confidence' at least to family members as in the saying, 'without your teeth, use your gum,' by introducing cool sex conception as an alternative even though they have no fluttering 'members,' rather than they lead their lives with heads down for their remaining lives, in proportion to such impotent male patients.

Meanwhile, I would like to make sure this is the matter of basic right and existent right as a basic human being, not the matter of obscenity.

Text P.165

But, reality is too hard.
In proportion to increased artificial space--urbanization, modernization--made by man, there has been coming up too many a factor conducive to spoiling human eye sight.

No matter how worried public broadcasting media pretend to be about 'diabetes commotion' domestically and socially, they don't even suggest by identifying the existent problems in modern society. This reality applies not only to our country but to all over the world as well.

Such being the case in reality, there is such confusion between general information and prejudice, fiction and fact, belief and superstition,..as regards diabetes, that even inaccurate fixed ideas have set in among general facts.

Now, my eyes have hypersensitive reaction to not only heat and light but even color as well. Among red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet, the 6 colors except violet are allergic to the eye in the order of from latter to former.

'Influence of Heat on the Eyes of Diabetic Patients,'
'Allergic Reaction of Light Wavelength against Eyesight of Diabetic Patients,'
'Influence of Food's Calorie on the Eye,'...

If medical students study these subjects and come out with scientific papers and accordingly find solutions, I suppose diabetic patients will have gotten rather more comfortable to live on in 10 or 20 years.

Although red is the most stimulating color to the eye, red or orange is the most commonly-used light in Korea as far as 80~90%.

By a desperate measure, I live upon sun glasses, but this as well makes me frustrated. Diabetics in Korea are suffering in the reality where they have money but cannot get just what lenses they desperately need. By obtaining deep blue, deep green or deep black lens to keep off ultraviolet rays or light, I do want to wear those lenses after processing them according to my eyes' best fitting, yet there is still nothing of these pure blue, pure indigo or pure black in Korea. (It is the case at least to the best of my knowledge.)

To be sorry, eye-worst reddish tone is seasoned with deep blue, deep indigo or deep black lens currently sold in the market. This is what reality I have been faced with. Other people already have their eyes hurt or gone blind before they could even tell these words, whereas I have been striving to find any solution by even squirming and struggling till the end of my life, out of wish to live(?) like a human to the end.

Because I couldn't just look at the ruining bodies with hands down, I had to writhe in agony to find any alternative. Now, I am speaking out as far as to the parts where diabetic predecessors didn't spoke out.

Text P.234~235